Something I have been considering a lot lately is how the abuse has distorted my view. Sometimes it seems like I have no conception of time, the moment, or my own body traveling through time-space. Post trauma often feels like re-learning to live from the ground up. The cognitive and emotional structures that create a mind state are stretched to a point that it feels...as if you have been busted. Putting my pieces back together every day.

I've started this blog in order to keep my thought connected to a collective consciousness. Each body/mind has its own unique ways to protect itself from a psychologically invasive event such as trauma. So much of my own experience was/is shaped by disassociation. Essentially...healing for me is association and integration back into the intense curiosity that is wholesome living.



This question was posed on a trauma forum I found today: what does PTSD feel like to you? Here are some of the answers.


"I'm rowing away from a sinking ship. The compassionate side of me wants to row back and rescue everyone. The rational side knows, I just may get caught in the undertow.... to KEEP ROWING "

"Feel like a confused, mindless freak that can't communicate with others that "look" like them. Communicates well with things "other" than their species, yet not sure of the answers received.

The only thing that seems to understand me are living plants and the dirt they grow in. "

Feels like endlessly rowing across a black poison sea, away from land and toward ???. Alone and going away and farther away.

Like living in a black and gray landscape of dry volcanic ashy soil that crunches when I walk over it. No water, no life. There's only a dark black abyss of a canyon to go down into to find the way out."

"My PTSD feels like....I am a porcelain vase that was broken, pieced back together with glue and you can see all the glue and holes inside of me where the chipped porcelain was never put back. I am unable to hold emotions which ends up leaving more gaping holes inside of me. I am no longer able to be looked at as beautiful because now you can see my emotional scars. It hurts to smile for I know another piece of me will crack and fall away. It is easier for me to be emotionless and frozen. Just hide me away and let me be. I know my cracks will not heal, but perhaps I may not get anymore gaping holes."

"Mine feels like somebody else has been in my body for the last 10 years and totally trashed it, inside and out, physical and emotional. And I've finally been given it back, but I'm so damaged I don't even recognize myself, I don't know where the wounds came from, I don't know what's going on, I don't know where I am, and I don't know what's going on."

"PTSD feels like I'm the 'fox' that is constantly 'hunted."

"I feel numb, like nothing matters any more. Like I just don't have to worry as I don't care. Every thing is buggared up and I just can't feel it at all. Well only when I am so dizzy I am about to faint, throw up or colapse. Anyway I still don't care. Not even if I died tomorrow."

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Reflecting on my own feelings. My answer would be..

Something beneath isolation. I have felt lonely, but this isn't lonely. It is...what I imagine as a story of hell. A sense of nothingness more excruciating than an everyday pit of your stomach lonesomeness. Nothing has a sense of truth, trust, or connection. running, running, and running, watching the world go on around you, all the while you are too exhausted to breathe, but you have to maintain speed.
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Love grows at the point of stillness

Namaste